Addicted

I am addicted to coffee. I love my coffee and I hate my coffee.

My substance abuse professor, whom I absolutely still love and grieve the loss of her class...describes the dual nature (love/hate) of the relationship with the addictive substance. I understand more now, as I self reflect on my growingly complicated relationship with caffeine.

I am tired in the morning and I don't feel like I function well without my coffee...I can't think, I can't focus, I feel lethargic...so I drink coffee...I NEED my coffee. I need to be productive, I need to feel awake. I LOVE my coffee. I love to feel like I can finish everything, I love that I have a quick fix to psychomotor retardation :)...I love the taste, I love the smell (the smell wakes me up!).

But the coffee is EVIL...and while I feel awake and I feel focused and all of a sudden I'm actually doing my work...I also feel anxious...OHHH so anxious. I feel tense, I feel like I can rip my skin off, I worry about life and the future, my muscles tighten. I realize that my coffee...as wonderful as it is…does bad things to me. (Scary...sometimes I love the anxiety; because secretly I thrive on urgency...it motivates me.)

Unfortunately, the more I become aware of the negative consequences of my coffee, the more I HATE my coffee. I don't hate it enough to stop...I don't think I can stop. I get headaches and feel ten times more lethargic when I stop...WITHDRAWL...I just hate it enough that as I purchase coffee or bring the fabulous concoction to my lips, I scream in my head to STOP...and I still drink my coffee....and I hate that I can't stop, I hate that I rely on it, I hate that I want it.

All that I am left with is this internal struggle...the love and need...the hated and self loathing.

I cannot imagine that this comes close to any struggle any addicted person...especially meth, cocaine, and heroin must feel. My clients in skid row struggle with this relationship...it feels real, like the addiction calls to you...and tells you that you don't exist without it...you can't exist without it. But they don't have a place to sleep at night, and they don't have a family or friends to support them, and the addiction is easy...it loves you back, and it's THERE...all the time it's there...so easy.

I understand...even if in a little way...I UNDERSTAND.